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Another draft diary coming your way! As always, this is basically a stream of consciousness. I don’t edit it, so I’m sorry in advance for that. Hopefully, it’s not too bad, but who knows what my brain will look like by the end. Let’s get to it!

7:28 pm (ET) - Well, here we are. I’ve got tea steeping (hibiscus with beet root powder for cardiovascular health!), and I’m about to begin the bedtime routine for my almost-9-month-old. Can I get him down before Roger Goodell shows up to tell us that the Raiders are on the clock? Maybe I’m the one who is actually on the clock!

7:48 pm (ET) - Done! No doubt, thanks to the increased blood flow from my tea combination. Once you get used to the fact that beet root powder tastes like literal dirt, it’s not completely terrible.

Anyway, I’m always stunned at how many people show up to see this in person. They’re in Pittsburgh this year, and it’s packed. As a lapsed Carolina Panthers fan, I envy the people who care enough about their team to attend the draft. Or, more accurately, I miss pulling for a team that could make me care that much.

7:55 pm (ET) - A quick report on the happenings at presumed #1 overall pick Fernando Mendoza’s house. His chosen to watch it at home instead of attending the draft. He’s just like me! Apparently, he’s been working with Brian Griese, who I thought would be a star after leading Michigan to the national championship in 1997. Swing and a miss, by 8-year-old me. He was serviceable, though.

Funny that he’s working with Mendoza, because I can’t see him being anything more than serviceable. An incredible year for him at Indiana, but it was just one year. And it’s not like he looked like Joe Burrow did during his amazing year at LSU. Probably a starter, but not sure if he’s worth a #1 pick. Let’s see if my QB analysis has improved in 29 years.

8:03 pm (ET) - And here we go! Goodell comes out to a cascade of boos and proceeds to lean all the way into it. It’s stupid that the Raiders are on the clock at all. If you have the #1 pick, you should be forced to announce it as soon as the boos end for Goodell. You’ve had months to think about it! Why do you need 8 more minutes?

8:11 pm (ET) - Booger McFarland is the lone dissenter on the panel, wondering if Mendoza really compares to a Joe Burrow, a Cam Newton, or a Peyton Manning. If only the Panthers were good enough to compel me to make the trip there, I’d be standing tall beside Booger.

8:13 pm (ET) - It’s finally official. The main attribute everyone is praising is his leadership ability. Fantastic. Would you draft Barack Obama to be your quarterback?

8:16 pm (ET) - Okay, now time for some suspense. The Jets are on the clock and are going to pick an edge rusher. Which one: Arvell Reese or David Bailey? Mel Kiper Jr. says it’ll be Reese. Friendly reminder that Mel eats a slice of pumpkin pie for breakfast every morning.

8:18 pm (ET) - David Bailey out of Texas Tech is the pick! First Red Raider selected in the Top 5 in the common draft era, which apparently started in 1967. Booger seems to like the pick, and I’m aligning with him. He seems like he eats a proper breakfast.

8:22 pm (ET) - The Cardinals are on the clock. Schefter is explaining why the Jets went with Bailey. I know Dianna Russini is in hot water for fucking sources, but it’s important to remember that Schefter would too if they let him.

8:25 pm (ET) - This 8 minutes between picks is much faster than I thought it would be, but I’m here for it. Arizona selects Jeremiyah Love 3rd overall out of Notre Dame. It makes me feel slightly less old to see teams still picking running backs this high. After seeing how Ashton Jeanty’s rookie season went last year, the Cardinals better start putting together a quality offensive line right now. Booger Watch: Loves the player, but doesn’t like the pick.

8:28 pm (ET) - Beet root powder doesn’t dissolve entirely in tea. The texture matches the taste. The Titans are on the clock.

8:31 pm (ET) - The Titans shock the panel by selecting WR Carnell Tate out of Ohio State. If a wide receiver comes out of LSU or Ohio State, you should probably pick them. Nice little weapon for Cam Ward. Tennessee’s leading receiver last year was TE Chig Okonkwo with 560 yards. That’s 33 yards per game. How is that possible? An extra cup of hibiscus tea, and I could get you 40 yards a game.

8:34 pm (ET) - Tate has his late mom’s name inscribed on his blazer and is talking about how much she meant to him. I am a Carnell Tate fan. The Giants are on the clock.

8:38 pm (ET) - Goodell does a good job of walking out with boo shields. He’s got the family of a dead soldier up there now to make the pick. The Giants select LB Arvell Reese out of Ohio State. Feels like a great value pick considering we were talking about him going to the other NY team at #2. John Harbaugh knows defense, and adds another weapon to his arsenal. Congratulations to the only Giants fan I know, Coach Herbert Johnson!

8:44 pm (ET) - We have a trade! Kansas City trades the 9th overall pick, a 3rd-round pick, and a 5th-round pick to Cleveland to jump up here to #6. They select DB Mansoor Delane out of LSU. The first highlight is him breaking up a pass against my South Carolina Gamecocks. I imagine the Gamecocks will be on a lot of SEC players’ highlight tapes. Delane seems incredibly enthusiastic. I like that even with all of the pro aspects of college football, guys still care about this.

8:50 pm (ET) - We are zooming! Goodell has Steelers legends Jerome Bettis and Lynn Swann as his boo shields. The Washington Commanders select LB Sonny Styles out of Ohio State. Impressive last name, both literally and figuratively. Dad, Lorenzo, played 6 years in the league. Brother, Lorenzo Jr., should get drafted this weekend, too.

8:54 pm (ET) - A second cup of tea is brewing. Going OG Sleepy Time for this one. A classic. The Saints are on the clock.

8:58 pm (ET) - New Orleans selects WR Jordyn Tyson out of Arizona State. His brother, Jaylon, plays for the Cavaliers. The tea kettle is whistling.

9:03 pm (ET) - Okay, tea is steeping, and baby did not wake up. The Browns select OT Spencer Fano. Clearly, an important position, but very hard to get excited about this as your pick, right? Even if you watched The Blind Side. Damn, another pick is in!

9:06 pm (ET) - The Giants again? They pick OT Francis Mauigoa out of Miami. When you really pay attention to The Blind Side, it makes sense that Michael Oher was pissed. Hell, I don’t think he was mad enough! You know who else should be mad? Hugh Freeze and whoever his OL coach was at that high school. They’ve got you looking like moms are coaching these kids while you’re standing around all goofy-faced. While we’re talking about Freeze, who was fired from Ole Miss for using his university-issued cellphone to call escort services, did you know he was also accused of being inappropriate with girls at that high school?

9:09 pm (ET) - Mauigoa says he’s ready to die for Jaxson Dart. Also, he’s Samoan. Good pick. The Cowboys are on the clock.

9:12 pm (ET) - Dallas was my first favorite team, and part of me wants to go back to them. I just can’t get past all of the underachieving, Jerry Jones as an owner, and Dak Prescott. Sorry, Uncle Mark!

9:14 pm (ET) - The Cowboys are making their selection here because they traded up 1 spot. They pick S Caleb Downs out of Ohio State, who is a monster. SEC Freshman of the Year at Alabama, who transferred when Saban retired. Won a national title and every DB honor as a Buckeye. This is a hell of a pick! Congratulations, Uncle Mark!

9:16 pm (ET) - Tea is ready. The Dolphins, who made that trade with Dallas, are on the clock.

9:19 pm (ET) - Miami selects OT Kadyn Proctor out of Alabama. He’s huge. 6’7” 350 lbs. Mr. Pumpkin Pie says he should be a Pro Bowler, but he has mental lapses. Booger follows that up by saying he needs to lose weight. I guess he’s much better when he’s slimmer. Seems like he lacks motivation, which would scare me as a GM. Also, Ballers has taught me that Miami isn’t the best place for a young NFL player who is easily distracted.

9:28 pm (ET) - QB Ty Simpson goes #13 to the Rams. Everyone is as shocked as I am. They didn’t even know if he’d be drafted tonight, yet here he goes. I just don’t see it. Booger, unsurprisingly, agrees. Just 15 starts in college. He’ll sit and learn behind Stafford, but LA is a team that is a contender right now. Why not draft a player who can help you win right now?

9:33 pm (ET) - The Ravens select G Vega Ioane out of Penn State. As a part-time Ravens fan, this was a need. That OL struggled so much last season that Lamar Jackson and Derrick Henry looked human at times. Tough to do!

9:37 pm (ET) - Checking in on Knicks-Hawks. Atlanta is up by 2 with 3:08 left. Josh Hart looks like the most annoying motherfucker on the planet. Tough to do!

9:39 pm (ET) - The midway point of Round 1! Tampa Bay selects Rueben Bain Jr. out of Miami. Booger says he was the best defensive player in the country last year. Shortest arms by a 1st-round edge rusher since 2003, which is one hell of a stat! I think that was Jerome McDougle, who also went to the U.

9:42 pm (ET) - Bain Jr. was all business. Didn’t stop at the selfie station, and had the most serious interview I’ve heard in quite some time. There’s a chip on his shoulder, which is much closer to his hand than the average edge rusher.

9:44 pm (ET) - The Jets select TE Kenyon Sadiq. Honestly, they’re going to have to be good before I care about any of their picks.

9:47 pm (ET) - The Hawks hang on to win by 1 and take a 2-1 lead after Josh Hart couldn’t handle a pass from Jalen Brunson. Ha! The Detroit Lions are on the clock.

9:50 pm (ET) - How do the guys on the panel pee during this? I just peed, and barely made it back before they returned from commercial break. Is Mike Greenberg wearing a diaper?

9:51 pm (ET) - Just posted a TikTok about Roger Goodell’s boo shield, and here he is with a Make-A-Wish kid. The Lions select OT Blake Miller out of Clemson. Do you know why they don’t wear pants in Clemson? The sheep can hear the zipper from a mile away!

9:54 pm (ET) - The Vikings select DT Caleb Banks out of Florida. A former basketball star. Booger just compared him to Chris Jones. Hell of a comp! Concern is a foot injury that limited him to 3 games last season. That’s a big foot. The Panthers are on the clock.

9:59 pm (ET) - Carolina selects OT Monroe Freeling from Georgia. Originally from right here in Charleston! An Oceanside Collegiate alum. I’m almost moved!

10:01 pm (ET) - The Eagles trade up here to select WR Makai Lemon. Sucks for him! Jalen Hurts might as well have no arms. Give your arms to Bain Jr., Jalen! DeVonta Smith is probably the greatest WR ever, and we’ll just never know.

10:05 pm (ET) -The Steelers pick is in, and they’re putting on a whole production for the hometown fans. No more Mike Tomlin is going to be weird. And to replace him with Mike McCarthy, too? I mean, he looks like a Pittsburgh kinda guy.

10:08 pm (ET) - Holy shit, McCarthy is from Pittsburgh! Of course! Another win for stereotypes. The Steelers select OT Max Iheanachor out of Arizona State. A Nigerian immigrant who came to America at 13, and didn’t play organized football until he was at junior college. That’s absurd!

10:11 pm (ET) - The Los Angeles Chargers select DE Akheem Mesidor out of Miami. The panel is concerned that he’s already 25. I’d hate to hear what they would say about me.

10:15 pm (ET) - Dallas is on the clock. They moved back here via the trade the Eagles made to pick another WR for Jalen Hurts to not throw to. My eyeballs are going to fall out of my head from looking at these screens. However, my arms are proportional, I’m pretty sure.

10:18 pm (ET) - The Cowboys select DE Malachi Lawrence out of UCF. Booger says he can bring “juice off the edge.” This is a compliment. Two very good defensive picks for the Cowboys, who gave up the most points in the NFL last season. Booger reiterates that he has juice.

10:21 pm (ET) - I did two Duolingo lessons for the first time in forever the other day, and now this motherfuckin’ owl will not leave me alone. Enough with these bullying apps! If I wanted a reminder, I would have asked for one! The Browns are on the clock.

10:25 pm (ET) - Cleveland selects WR KC Concepcion out of Texas A&M. First highlight? You guessed it, a catch against the Gamecocks. Probably from the game when South Carolina blew a 27-point lead that should have gotten Shane Beamer fired. It’s a miracle I’m even able to watch football of any kind. Maybe I’d be better off if my eyes did fall out of my head. The Bears are on the clock.

10:29 pm (ET) - At the risk of upsetting white nerds everywhere, I think less of Mina Kimes because she’s so friendly with Dan Orlovsky and Benjamin Solak. I’m correct to feel this way.

10:31 pm (ET) - Chicago selects S Dillon Thieneman out of Oregon. A white safety! Adam Archuleta is somewhere smiling. The Bears are badly in need of a logo/uniform update. Absolute snoozefest.

10:34 pm (ET) - Houston is on the clock after trading up with the Bills!

10:35 pm (ET) - Dillon’s interview teased a safety that he grew up idolizing. Before the interviewer revealed who it was, I swore he was going to say Adam Archuleta. I’m a reverse racist. It was Troy Polamalu.

10:36 pm (ET) - Houston selects G Keylan Rutledge out of Georgia Tech. First GT player to be named First Team All-American in back-to-back seasons since Hall of Fame WR Calvin Johnson. I don’t know what the hell the Texans’ problem was last season, but maybe he’ll help. The Dolphins are on the clock.

10:41 pm (ET) - The Dolphins have traded up to make this pick, too, I guess. They select DB Chris Johnson out of San Diego State. Greenberg says, “The California kid stays in California,” so I officially have no clue what is happening. Can you get CTE from watching football? It was a trade with San Francisco, so maybe Greenie is confused. Probably has to pee, too.

10:44 pm (ET) - Another trade! New England, whose coach, Mike Vrabel, has apparently carried on a years-long affair with NFL insider Dianna Russini, selects OT Caleb Lomu out of Utah. Hope Caleb likes his coaches all horned up! Just walking up and down the sideline full on!

10:46 pm (ET) - While we’re here, this scandal is so stupid. Russini’s initial denial was so strong, but didn’t explain the pictures of them holding hands with INTERLOCKING FINGERS! Now, of course, more pictures come out, along with the also-married Vrabel all but admitting they had an affair. Oh, and don’t forget that she named her son, Michael! This has been going on since pre-COVID! Do you know how different the world is now?!? But your lust survived it! The cherry on top is Vrabel missing the final (and least important) day of the draft to seek counseling. Why a single day of counseling? Why on a Saturday? I hate when someone bends over backwards to try and show us how sorry they are.

10:50 pm (ET) - Shit, the draft is still happening. Kansas City picks DT Peter Woods out of Clemson. Really trying hard not to make another sheep joke, even though his name is a combination of what the residents give them and where they give it to them. The Jets have made a trade, so they are back on the clock.

10:54 pm (ET) - The Jets pick WR Omar Cooper Jr. out of Indiana. Another Hoosier who had an incredible season. The catch he had against Penn State might be the greatest game-winning catch I’ve ever seen. If this weren’t the Jets, I’d be even more excited.

10:56 pm (ET) - Now, the Titans trade up, so they are on the clock. There’s one player remaining in the green room, DE Keldric Faulk out of Auburn. Goodell announces a record 320,000 people in attendance. A lot of people who care!

10:58 pm (ET) - Tennessee picks Faulk. Alright, that’s a relief for him. I guess the issue is he didn’t produce as much as he should have based on his athleticism. Coaches always think they can fix guys like that. Maybe so! But a lot of times, no.

11:00 pm (ET) - Greenberg lied. Two players are still left in the green room. Can someone let Greenie take a piss, then ask him to draw a clock?

11:05 pm (ET) - The Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks close out the first round, and, of course, Goodell brings a Make-A-Wish kid. Well, maybe a kid. He has a mustache. Either way, he’s pumped and blows out the mic yelling. Seattle picks RB Jadarian Price out of Notre Dame. Two Notre Dame RBs go in the first round! Makes you think they underachieved this season. Also, Marcus Freeman’s hair is a lie.

Alright, I am cooked! I enjoyed it though! This is one of my favorite things to do. Hope you enjoy it, too!