Welcome to the “Casual Fan” section of The Show Notes! This is where I talk about sports. Certain aspects of what you read here, such as the depth of the analysis and amount of objectivity, will vary depending on a number of different factors. I promise to always be entertaining, though. Typos and grammatical errors are a direct reflection of my disdain for generative AI. If you like this, check out my show!

My NFL fandom stretches back to my days of renting Madden ‘98 from the Blockbuster that used to be in Westwood Plaza off of Sam Rittenberg Road (RIP Fazoli’s). Admittedly, my interest in the sport has ebbed and flowed based on such things as Terrell Owens’ TD celebrations, the performance of the Carolina Panthers, and Colin Kaepernick getting blackballed. While my enthusiasm may never be what it was when my created player was scoring touchdowns for the Tennessee Oilers, my fandom has experienced a bit of a reawakening as a result of my wife’s fantasy football obsession. We spend hours each week watching and talking about the NFL. This column exists to make that time spent a bit more productive. And what’s more productive than weekly hot takes? Enjoy!

After an offseason filled with criticism due to his play last postseason, this was Drake Maye’s shot at redemption. What better way to quiet the noise than to open the season with a statement performance against the same Seahawks team that defeated Maye and the Patriots in the Super Bowl? Instead, Maye fueled the skeptic fire by throwing not one, not two, but three 4th-quarter interceptions, the last of which was one of the most braindead decisions you will ever see: a backfoot floater into the end zone with the Patriots well within game-tying field goal range.

To make matters worse, two of New England’s next three games are on the road against teams that made the postseason last year, and they’ll be without shiny new receiver A.J. Brown for at least 4 weeks after he suffered the dreaded high ankle sprain. Poor Mike Vrabel is going to need another weekend getaway at the Ambiente Sedona. On the bright side, this franchise kinda deserves it.

For someone who allegedly hates being the topic of discussion, Joe Throw-gan sure does spend a lot of time yapping. Rodgers went on teammate Cam Heyward’s podcast to do his standard “I’m the smartest man in the world” spiel, and managed to do some high-quality self-snitching as well. He fired back at his ex Danica Patrick’s claim that their relationship “wore me down to nothing” by saying that she was depressed and they weren’t intimate. Okay.

But wait…there’s more! Another Rodgers celebrity ex, Shailene Woodley, has also had some less-than-flattering things to say about him. Aaron took this opportunity to set the record straight on their relationship, too, by pointing out that she also said that he “ruined her and gave her crazy depression.” But what we don’t know, according to Aaron, is that Shaliene apparently told him shortly after they got engaged that “before we go get married, I’ve got to go fuck this guy.”

For those of you keeping score, that’s two exes who were varying levels of depressed while either not fucking Aaron and/or asking to fuck someone else. Look, I don’t know if his wife is real (don’t worry, he addresses that, too), but I’m hoping for her own sake she’s not.

Every time I try to give this team a chance, they pull some shit like this. Carolina scored 37 points and still managed to lose to the Bears by three touchdowns. Their defense couldn’t stop a flood in a drought. They play the Falcons and the Browns next, so that should buy them some time to figure something out, but don’t look at their schedule after that.

My wife has several favorite NFL teams, but her most favorite is the Los Angeles Chargers. After an offseason spent prepping for fantasy football (her league of labor and delivery nurses is appropriately named “The Coochie League”), her Chargers’ fandom reached an all-time high. The general consensus among People Who Know Football™ was that this is the Chargers’ year! They were healthy, addressed offensive line issues, and brought in alleged boy wonder Mike McDaniel to be their offensive coordinator.

The player who stood to gain the most from all of these changes was QB Justin Herbert. He was the unquestioned #1 QB on her draft board, and she even went so far as to order his jersey for both herself and our son. At the draft party, she waited until after drafting Herbert to change both of them into their jerseys so she wouldn’t tip off her league mates to her QB target.

Her Herbert enthusiasm was only slightly greater than that of the rest of the NFL world. The same people who want her second-favorite QB, Cam Ward, to get the Old Yeller treatment just a game into his second season have spent six years making excuses for Herbert because he looks like what NFL coaches would create if they were able to Dr. Frankenstein an NFL QB. Imagine everyone’s joy as many of the excuses for Herbert’s inconsistencies were among the issues addressed this offseason. Finally, there’d be nothing in the way of his success!

Except for himself. What was supposed to be a coronation at home against a supposedly overmatched Cardinals team turned into my wife and 1-year-old son wearing matching Herbert jerseys while watching him put on a performance that was best suited for our son’s diaper bin. As we’ve seen in the past, it’ll only take one good performance to get the Herbert hype train back rolling again, but for now, it’s in the scrap yard.

“If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit!” The iconic image of the 1995 murder trial of O.J. Simpson is the Pro Football Hall of Famer attempting to try on the infamous Isotoner glove found at the scene of the double murder of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown-Simpson, and her friend, Ronald Goldman, wearing a shit-eating grin that says, “Holy shit, I cannot believe that my glove doesn’t fit!” Since then, black leather gloves have receded into the background as an accessory instead of the center of attention. But on Thursday, they made their return to the spotlight via Netflix’s Elle Duncan.

I’m by no means a fashionista, but I imagine it says a lot about the gloves that I noticed them before I peeped the sleeveless tuxedo. Welcome back, black leather gloves! Now, where was Elle on June 13th, 1994?

This spring, Sports Illustrated (yes, it still exists as a shell of its former self) published an article making the case that Ravens fans should be worried about Derrick Henry because the list of productive 32-year-old running backs is virtually nonexistent. While that certainly is true, Henry spent Sunday once again stiff-arming Father Time. The King ran for 144 yards and 3 TDs as the Ravens easily beat a Colts team that is supposed to be pretty decent. Here’s some of what Henry does to take care of his body. Just an absolutely brutal read after how I’ve been living this weekend.

The Kansas City Chiefs have not had a 1000-yard rusher during Patrick Mahomes’ time as the full-time starting QB. After just one game, Kenneth Walker III is 17.3 % of the way there. Last year’s Super Bowl MVP signed with the Chiefs this offseason with the thought that he’d take some of the offensive load off of Mahomes, who is recovering from a torn ACL. Against a Broncos team that is supposed to be a Super Bowl contender themselves, Walker III looked more like the focal point of the offense. Nobody is expecting him to look this great every week, but his talent adds a dynamic to the Chiefs team that has won three Super Bowls without it. The rest of the league should be scared.

Alright, that will do it for Week 1! Be on the lookout Thursday for Screen Shots, aka The World’s Greatest Weekly Sports Watch Guide! A lot going on in the sports world, and there’s no better way to keep track of it all. Hope to see you then!