Welcome to Screen Shots! This is where I tell you what sporting events you should watch on TV every week! Make sure you subscribe, so it comes straight to your inbox! Have your own suggestions? Shoot me an email at [email protected]!

Hello! My editor had to work her real job, so I apologize for any errors. Also, no episode this week, so how about a little something to think about with it being the 4th of July? In 1822, a free Black man by the name of Denmark Vesey planned what would have been the largest slave revolt in US history in Charleston, South Carolina. Unfortunately, it failed, and many of those involved, including Vesey, were sentenced to death by hanging. According to Denmark Vesey’s Bible, one of those convicted was encouraged to repent for his sin before his impending death. The prisoner, who very well may have been Vesey himself, responded:

Definitely still get on the grill, but what are we really celebrating here? Now, to the sports!

It’s knockout round time, so Spain cannot afford to look as flat as it did in the group stage. The return to fitness (incredible usage of a soccer phrase by me) of star Lamine Yamal should help. The teenage star entered the tournament dealing with a hamstring injury, and barely played in Spain’s shocking opening match draw against Cape Verde. However, his minutes have increased with each match, and he delivered a goal against Saudi Arabia. Keep an eye on how he looks here to get a feel for Spain’s overall chances!

Well, Cristiano Ronaldo’s influence on Portuguese soccer culture has been apparent so far. They are easily the grumpiest team in the tournament. No matter what’s happening, they can always find a reason to pout about it. Maybe it was the heat. They looked noticeably gassed at the end of their draw against Colombia, played in the sticky Miami humidity. A win in that one would have bought them an extra day off rest, but they’re here instead. At least it’s in a more favorable Canadian climate.

The Swiss have flown under the radar so far, but have looked strong after a clumsy opening match draw against Qatar. They bounced back from that to secure two easy wins against Bosnia-Herzegovina and Canada, who are both in the Round of 32 themselves. Can Ruben Vargas and crew keep it rolling?

I have yet to see Australia compete in anything where their strategy wasn’t simply “play with a mixture of grit and the spirit of the Crocodile Hunter.” How much success can that bring them in a sport called “the beautiful game”? Tough to say, but they are fun to watch.

It feels like we’re at the point in Cape Verde’s story where their carriage turns back into a pumpkin as they take on the #1 team in the world and defending World Cup champions. But then you remember that this fairytale story started with an unfathomable draw against the world’s #2 team. And you look around at what’s happened so far in the Round of 32, and think, “Hmmm, well, if they can just get it to PKs…” and maybe, just maybe, the story continues. Be on the lookout for talking mice!

Africa is putting on one hell of a performance in this World Cup. Ghana is one of nine teams from the continent to make it to the Round of 32. On top of that, white European soccer fans have been complaining that their own teams consist of too many Africans. Imagine fumbling colonization so badly that you end up reverse colonizing yourself. You love to see it! They don’t even use the spices!

The Sweet Sixteen! Canada continued the Jesse Marsch Revenge Tour with a stoppage-time goal against South Africa. Morocco used their own stoppage-time heroics to force extra time with the Netherlands before winning it on PKs. If they bring even a fraction of the excitement to this one, it’ll be enough reason to spend a scorching 4th of July in the air conditioning.

I’m going to lose my motherfuckin’ mind if they don’t start putting more track and field events on TV. Did you know that the Diamond League is going on? Of course not, because you don’t want to pay $29.99 a month or $149.99 for the year to watch it. The fact that they put a sport that’s desperately in need of eyeballs behind a paywall when there’s already the barrier of time zone differences in place is insane. I guarantee if you watch this, you will say to yourself some version of, “That was fun! I wish it were on TV more often.”

Paraguay sat back against Germany and turned the match into the 1999 NBA Finals before advancing after a rollercoaster of a PK session. An impressive upset to be sure, but if they muddy up the brilliance of France and Kylian Mbappe, I’m going to be pissed. They probably can’t, though, because that guy is unreal.

Are these the best teams the NWSL has to offer? No. But we’re all in on soccer and desperately need to pick NWSL teams to follow. These are two of the newer franchises, so maybe our fandom can grow with them!

Brazil advanced with an absolute gut punch of a winner at the very end of stoppage time against Japan. They take on Norway, which means figuring out how to stop Erling Haaland. Also, that rowing celebration the Norwegian fans do is basically “The Wave” for Vikings, right?

A rematch of a thriller of a conference final. Fingers crossed that the G’OAT is back from a minor leg injury for the defending champs. Meanwhile, the Fever once again find themselves in the middle of a media firestorm after coach Stephanie White whined Alyssa Thomas into a suspension for what looked like a regular loose-ball scramble to those of us with wrinkled brains. Thomas, no doubt, is one of the league’s more physical players, which White did not have an issue with when Thomas was leading White’s Sun teams to the conference finals. This franchise is the absolute worst. Let’s boo them together!

The more I pull against Harry Kane, the better he is. It’s the damnedest thing. Kane’s two goals against Congo saved England from an embarrassing loss. Mexico needed no such heroics against Ecuador. They have yet to be truly tested in this tournament, as they continue to make the most of their home field advantage. Can Kane silence Mexico City?

Scroll up to the Portugal-Croatia and Spain-Austria entries to see what could be in store!

If the USMNT isn’t playing in this one, please send your thoughts and prayers to my dear friend, Brett! I’m currently watching that match as I get this ready for you wonderful people. Belgium advanced in a wild one against Senegal. Romelu Lukaku and Youri Tielemans netted two goals in the final 5 minutes to send it to extra time. Then, a review led to a Tielemans penalty to win it in stoppage time of extra time. Welcome to the Gamecock Football Experience, Senegal fans!

The battle for 2nd place in the NL West! Man, I love being a Dodgers fan! 2B Ketel Marte is always great for Arizona, but had a bit of a slow start to the season. He’s really started heating up the last couple of weeks or so, which is great news for what’s been an anemic Diamondbacks’ offense. If they’re anemic, then the Giants have no hemoglobin whatsoever. They have been at or near the bottom of the majors in runs per game for much of the season. As of this writing, Fernando Tatis Jr. has 5 home runs. There is still over $270 million left on his current contract.

Scroll up to the Argentina-Cape Verde and Australia-Egypt entries to see what could be in store! You will hear my yelp if it’s Cape Verde.

Scroll up to the Switzerland-Algeria and Colombia-Ghana entries to see what could be in store!

It was just announced that Junior Caminero will be making his return to the Home Run Derby, which makes sense because he can’t stop hitting them. An absurd 3-homer day against the Royals kicked off a 6-game streak (and counting) in which he’s left the yard. The MLB record is 8 consecutive games. During his streak, Caminero has hit 8 home runs, which is 3 more than Fernando Tatis Jr. has hit in 84 games this season.

Teams are pitching Caminero differently this season after all of the damage he did last year, and he’s adjusted beautifully after being frustrated at times early this season. His batting average is roughly 30 points higher compared to last season, and he’s already surpassed last year’s walk total. Oh, and again, the homers are still here. As a bonus, these are the top two teams in the AL East.

Speaking of home runs, Kyle Schwarber, ladies and gentlemen. For the 2nd season in a row, he has hit 30 home runs before the All-Star break. This also means he has a shot to become the first NL player to hit 60 homers in 25 seasons. Yes, it was Barry Bonds’ record-setting 73 home run season. Sammy Sosa also hit 64 that year. The Reds give up a ton of homers, so Schwarber is a safe bet to add to his total.

As always, thank you for reading! Make sure you’re subscribed so you get this in your inbox first thing Thursday mornings! Also, share with your friends! See you next week!