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I have been writing my entire ass off! But it’s because I love you. Remember, no women’s college hoops in this one because I did a separate guide for every televised conference championship game. Go check that out! Now, to the sports!

Did you know there’s a World Cup in basketball this year, too? This is a qualifying tournament for that. This one has some WNBA lore to it as Team USA’s Kelsey Plum is referred to as the “Puerto Rican Princess” despite being just a regular white.

Also, WNBA CBA negotiations are going on at this very moment, but without a resolution soon, this might be the last time you see some of your faves for a while.

Speaking of things that are going on at this very moment, Venezuela and the Dominican Republic are battling it out to see who will win Pool D and advance to face Pool C runner-up Korea. 1B Bo Gyeong Moon has been an absolute terror for Korea. He hit .538 with 2 homers and 11 RBI in pool play. Not surprising for KBO fans. Moon has driven in 100 runs in each of the last 2 KBO seasons.

Well, we know this is a quarterfinal matchup. We just don’t know which one it’ll be. With it being on Fox, you may have guessed that the hope is that it’ll be Team USA. Unfortunately, they are waiting to hear their fate after their manager mistakenly thought they had already clinched a spot. Well, that and they lost to Italy. A friendly reminder that baseball is America’s pastime, and this is supposed to be a superteam.

The top 2 teams in the American East meet in the conference title game for a chance to go to the NCAA Tournament. Retrievers senior DJ Armstrong’s dad, Darrell, had one of the most infamous performances in NBA Dunk Contest history. He could dunk, though. In fact, he dunked on me during a game of 1 on 1 while I was a camper at the Anthony Johnson Basketball Camp.

While we’re reminiscing, remember those TJ Sorrentine/Taylor Coppenrath Vermont teams from the early 2000s? They upset 4-seed Syracuse in the first round back in 2005. I don’t think any of their dads have dunked on me, but Sorrentine’s legacy continues as two of their top three scorers are named TJ. These teams split their regular-season matchups.

Another mystery quarterfinals matchup!

As we talked about, this could be the Dominican Republic in this spot, which would be a real shame. The DR and Japan have been the most explosive teams in the tournament, so we deserve them as a potential championship matchup. This guy, Shohei Ohtani, for Japan, has been incredible, batting .556 with 2 home runs and 6 runs batted in.

The Ivy League didn’t have a conference tournament until 2017. Since then, Yale has won it 4 times. Guess who won the regular season title this year? The Bulldogs are led by Nick Townsend, who does a little bit of everything. He’ll try to finish his career with a 3rd straight NCAA Tournament appearance. Cornell and Harvard are still lurking, and they both beat the Bulldogs this year.

Going with this one over the SEC title game because it has real tournament implications. St. Louis and VCU are both in bubble team territory, depending on what happens throughout this tournament. However, you want to win it all so you don’t have to sweat it out, right? Phil Martelli Jr. has done a hell of a job at VCU in his first season here. His dad’s St. Joseph’s teams represented the A-10 in the NCAA Tournament seven times, including coming a John Lucas III game-winner away from advancing to the 2004 Final Four.

I don’t know St. Louis coach Josh Schertz’s dad, but his Bilikens are just two wins away from a new single-season program record. They have the nation’s 11th-best scoring offense, with seven players averaging at least 9 points per game. They’re led by A-10 Player of the Year Robbie Avila, who went viral when he played for Schertz at Indiana State thanks to his game and his glasses.

Michigan and Michigan State are on opposite ends of the bracket, so I need them to take care of business and meet for a third time this season. Not necessarily because I think it’d be competitive, the Wolverines have won both matchups so far, but I need to see what another loss would do to Tom Izzo’s psyche. The Michigan crowd’s chants of “little brother” really got to the old man, who chose to shift focus to that in his post-game comments after defending yet another dirty play by his star, Jeremy Fears. Let’s see what one more chant and one more Fears kick to an opponent’s balls will do.

Czechia won’t be here, but their star pitcher, Ondrej Satoria, got a standing ovation from the Japanese crowd as he left the field for the final time. He became famous in Japan after striking out Shohei Ohtani during the 2023 World Baseball Classic. Over 8.1 innings in this year’s tournament, he didn’t allow an earned run. What’s next for Satoria? He’ll head back to his job as an electrician.

An interesting narrative that has come out of this tournament is the Americans’ lack of fun. This isn’t entirely surprising since the team is comprised of white players, and they’re certainly the least fun demographic in our society and the MLB. But the contrast between them and the other countries has been jarring. I mean, these other places are having a blast. Another fun little wrinkle is that white American ballplayers are almost all Republican, aka the self-proclaimed “real” patriots, yet they are treating representing their most favoritest country with the enthusiasm one has for grocery shopping during peak hours on senior discount day. Smile, fellas!

Some draft implications! Spain C Awa Fam is projected to be a top-3 pick in this year’s WNBA Draft. At just 19, she’s being drafted as much for her potential as her current talent, but it’ll be neat to see how she fares against some of the best players the WNBA has to offer. Also, keep an eye out for Spanish citizen/Aces forward/Corgi mom Megan Gustafson!

Baseball is the craziest sport to reduce to a one-game sample size, so this all but guarantees excitement of some kind. Last go-around, Shohei struck out his then-Angels teammate Mike Trout to lead Japan to the 3-2 win and earn MVP honors. This year, I’m predicting a Junior Caminero MVP performance.

At 25-1, the Red Raiders look every bit the national title contender everyone thought they’d be. Even worse for opponents, they may have found another superstar to help NiJaree Canady out. The 2024 PAC-12 (RIP) Freshman of the Year, Kaitlyn Terry, is 2nd in the nation in batting average, hitting an astronomical .574. But wait…there’s more! She pitches, too, with a 1.32 ERA that ranks 25th in the nation. Her talent there, plus the improvement of Samantha Lincoln, should allow for a fresher Canady come College Softball World Series time. Which means everyone else is in trouble.

We have reached the point in LeBron’s career where his team is better when he doesn’t play. The Lakers are currently 10-2 when he sits out, but Luka and Austin Reaves play. This is how Father Time works, I’m afraid. Maybe he should take the night off here, because Houston is right ahead of LA in the traffic jam that is the race for the 3-seed in the Western Conference.

As always, thank you for reading! Make sure you’re subscribed so you get this in your inbox first thing Thursday mornings. Also, share with your friends! See you next week!